Another long day. Have I mentioned that I'm temporarily diverted from my usual duties at work? That's right—over a year after moving into a new group and just two months after finishing the catalog from hell, I have somehow wound up laying out a magazine for this month due to the layoffs at work. Some days it just doesn't pay to be a trooper.

I realize that by the culture's usual standards I'm taking this whole layoff thing a bit personally, especially considering that I'm not one of the folks who lost their jobs. But I find it difficult to take even my usual pleasure in a job well done when I'm subbing for someone who was apparently let go a little too soon. Add in a dash of some sort of survivor guilt and the fact that if I hadn't switched groups, the lost job would have been mine, and maybe my current attitude makes more sense. At least it does to me.

But I take enough pride in my work that I will turn in a good product on a reasonable schedule and then go back happily to my usual duties. And I will do the best I can there too. It's just that the sense of vision and community and mission I felt seems to have evaporated, and I don't know how to find it for myself or for the company as a whole. I think we've lost something valuable, and I'm not sure we can get it back.