2006

Greetings, friends. Since the holiday season is upon us, I consider it a public service to offer to the Internets at large this most indispensable gift: The Complete Internet Guide to the Definition and Negotiation of Spousal Events. Please note that while the title does imply a certain level and type of relationship, that it is not limited to those couples who find themselves in the throes of traditional matrimony. Since it was written by two lesbians, it is actually in fact required that it apply equally to any type of human relationship configuration available, under the P.C. Code article 172. Please feel free to substitute your configuration of choice and adjust any genders and numbers of people as necessary.

Now, then.

The Complete Internet Guide to the Definition and Negotiation of Spousal Events

I. Definitions

For the purposes of all following discussions, the inviting spouse shall be referred to as “Inviter” and the invited spouse shall be referred to as “Spouse.”

A spousal event shall be defined as any social engagement where Spouse does not wish to attend and two or more of the following factors are present:

• Spouse knows significantly fewer people than Inviter
• Presence of Spouse is a social obligation
• Spouse is required to purchase outfit and/or dress up
• Potential for embarrassment is high, i.e., karaoke bar, open bar, or team-building games
• Large numbers of unsupervised children and/or teenagers are present
• People that Inviter is trying to impress are present
• Spouse is likely to be asked embarrassing and/or personal questions, i.e. “When are you going to give us a grandchild?”
• Persons known to to be antagonists of the Spouse will be present (i.e., ex-spouses, current affairs)
• Special dietary requirements of Spouse are highly unlikely to be met at event (i.e. Spouse is vegan and is being invited to Calamari Festival)

Exceptions

Exceptions are made from the above rules in the cases of family weddings or funerals, or any other type of event as mutually agreed upon.

II. Negotiations

Once the fact of an upcoming spousal event has been established, you have entered the negotiation phase. Each spouse starts the year with two available spousal events; this is generally considered sufficient to cover one large company event and one large family event for each spouse. Additional grants and/or buybacks of spousal events are allowed, and it is also possible to carry a negative balance of spousal events for the year subject to negotiation and/or offering of presents.

It should go without saying, but won’t, that effusive thanks for attending the spousal event shall be offered by the Inviter at least once before, during, and after the event.

Special Factors and Multipliers

• Event counts double if Spouse must cancel another event to attend, triple if that event is significantly more fun or non-refundable
• Event counts double if less than two weeks notice is given to Spouse, or less than one month in the event that purchasing an outfit is required
• Event counts double if significant embarrassment, food poisoning, illness, or injury occurs to Spouse at the event, triple if such is at the hands of the Inviter
• In the event of embarrassment, etc. less than the value of a full spousal event, recompense shall be offered to Spouse by Inviter in the form of apology and a present of appropriate value, as well as any necessary payment for damages (i.e., dry cleaning a stain).
• Event counts double if air or train travel is required, triple if spouse is asked to pay for it; or double if car travel of more than 2 hours is required
• Event counts double if event lasts more than 3 days or requires sleeping in same location as the Inviter’s cohort
• If overnight stay is required, Spouse retains the right to request alternate living space for duration of trip
• Spouse retains the right to retroactively declare an event to be spousal if an exceptionally bad time was had and three days or the incubation period have not yet elapsed
• Spouse also retains the right to retroactively declare a previously spousal event as “actually, a pretty good time” and offer the value of the event back to the Inviter.

III. Redress of Grievances

If there is a dispute between the Inviter and Spouse as to either the spousal nature of an event or the value thereof, the claim shall be arbitrated by a neutral and mutually agreed-upon (and put-upon) third party. The third party shall also agree to the fact of arbitration, otherwise a party foul will be called upon the couple. Inviter and Spouse agree to abide by the ruling of the third party and not to find an alternate judge or play “best out of three.”

IV. Conclusion

So let this be your guide through the treacherous holiday party season; if there are any omissions you find, please add your wisdom to the comments below.

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